Parenting? It's a hard job!
I am often asked about my parenting style, especially since joining the foster care family this part year. There is this outside perception that I never lose my temper or have a bad day. Confession: I do lose my temper and I most certainly have bad days. However, being a mom is the most important job I've ever had. In my hands rests the next generation. They are the future, a future that I've been given a responsibility to shape and mold. I not only want my children to be good citizens, I desire for them to make a positive difference in the lives of those they touch.
I run my home similar to the way I ran a classroom back in the days I was still teaching. We have a schedule that we maintain and everyone has their own set of responsibilities. There are consequences and discipline measures taken for disobedience and disrespect.
Here are some of the things Dave and I have implemented in our home that have helped us to earn respect with and authority over our children.
Establish a bedtime routine.
- At the newborn stage, this is more challenging as their bodies eat and sleep on demand. However, even with a newborn you can still teach them day and night. During daytime feedings, talk to them and be happy. During nighttime feedings, keep the house dark and remain quiet. Within a few months they will recognize that nighttime is for sleeping and daytime is for playing. And, for a mama like me who requires a whole lot of sleep, this is an O-Happy-Day moment.
- Make the crib a familiar place from the moment you bring that precious baby home from the hospital. We have always done our naps and bedtime in cribs. No singing or rocking. Simply put them in the bed and they will automatically learn that it's sleep time. We never even put our kids to bed with a pacifier so that they would learn how to self soothe and sleep on their own. Now, there are some nights where they've had to cry themselves into a fit of exhaustion. On those occasions, we never took them out of the crib, but would go in every 15 minutes to let them know they're not alone and, in time, they would fall asleep. This breaks your heart, I know it, but it will be worth it in the end when you're little one is sleeping 12 hours a night on their own.
- By establishing a bedtime routine from infancy, it is natural for them to go to bed easily as toddlers and children. All three of our kiddos love their beds and never put up an argument at bedtime.
Create and maintain a schedule.
- Babies like to be on a schedule and it makes it easier for you as a parent when they are on one. Otherwise, you will never get time for yourself to refuel those ever draining batteries. Create boundaries around nap and bedtime. Keep the house quiet to promote sleep. Put your little one in his/her highchair at meal time and encourage healthy eating habits. With babies, schedules will change and adapt. Be flexible and meet your baby's needs without sacrificing the importance of keeping to some kind of schedule.
- Our little 6 month old Aidan eats a morning bottle around 7:00am, fruit for breakfast with a bottle at 10:00am, yogurt for lunch with a bottle by 1:00pm, vegetables for dinner with a bottle around 4:00pm and a bedtime bottle at 7:00pm. He typically takes a 1 hour morning nap and a 3 hour afternoon nap. He goes to bed at 7:30pm and we don't hear from him again until the next morning.
- Isabella (our almost 6 year old) and Abigail (our almost 4.5 year old) have their own schedules. We have breakfast, lunch and dinner with healthy snacks in between. They each get to choose 1 television show a day. While Aidan is napping, they need to do something educational such as; reading books or working in their workbooks, After dinner we spend time as a family, and they are in their beds by 7:30pm.
- By keeping a schedule our children know what to expect each day.
Be an authoritative parent.
- While we have to work hard at teaching our children to be kind and respectful; thanks to sin, you do not have to teach them how to throw a temper tantrum. Even at the infant stage this begins. You just fed your little one and they're happy as can be, until you put them down and walk out of the room to throw a load of dirty laundry in the washing machine. Then, it's as if the world has just ended and nothing is okay, until you pick them up and hold them tight. If I know for a fact that our babies do not need anything; that they're not hungry or sitting in a dirty diaper and are in a safe place, then I let the tantrum play out until they calm themselves down. By picking them up you're saying "this behavior is acceptable" and it will continue.
- You can be authoritative without yelling. I usually talk quiet and calm to my kids. That way, when I use a stern tone, I am able to quickly grab their attention. Dave calls it my "teacher" voice, and everyone knows to listen immediately when they hear it. Our kids have learned that when I say something, they need to listen or else there will be consequences.
Have expectations and consequences.
- I expect that my children will obey the 1st time they're asked to do something. I expect that they will pick up their own toys. I expect that they will treat each other kindly. I expect that they will be polite and remember their manners. I expect that they will eat their dinner. Why? Because there are consequences that follow when they do not.
* If they're asked to do something more than once, they lose television/kindle/computer privileges.
* When they don't pick up their toys, I donate them.
* If they're acting unkind, they sit in timeout until they're ready to apologize.
* When they're not polite and forget their manners, they do not get what they were wanting.
* When they refuse to eat their dinner, they do not get dessert or a bedtime snack.
- You get the point. Consequences are not a bad thing! You need them to help teach your children respect and responsibility.
Be Consistent.
- You can try your best to establish a bedtime routine, create and maintain a schedule, be authoritative, and have expectations and consequences...but, without consistency you will not be successful. If you say you're going to do something, then you better do it. Promises without actions are just empty words, and your children will not trust the things you say.
* If I tell my kiddos we will leave the zoo because they're not listening, then we leave the zoo.
* When they are good helpers in Wegmans, they will get a chocolate chip cookie.
Show them love.
- Your children will mimic you; the things you do, the words you say. Model the behaviors you want to instill into them. Laugh together. Create memories. Go and do fun actives. Tell the truth. Say "I'm sorry". Forgive each other. Give hugs and kisses. And say "I love you" several times each day.
There is no secret formula for parenting. What works for our family may not work for yours. We are all imperfect parents to imperfect children. When you get upset, like I do, or yell at your kiddos, like I do, know that you're not alone on this journey. When it's been a really bad day, know that I probably just had one too. Don't be discouraged or give up, parenting is messy but extremely rewarding! You're doing a great job!!
I run my home similar to the way I ran a classroom back in the days I was still teaching. We have a schedule that we maintain and everyone has their own set of responsibilities. There are consequences and discipline measures taken for disobedience and disrespect.
Here are some of the things Dave and I have implemented in our home that have helped us to earn respect with and authority over our children.
Establish a bedtime routine.
- At the newborn stage, this is more challenging as their bodies eat and sleep on demand. However, even with a newborn you can still teach them day and night. During daytime feedings, talk to them and be happy. During nighttime feedings, keep the house dark and remain quiet. Within a few months they will recognize that nighttime is for sleeping and daytime is for playing. And, for a mama like me who requires a whole lot of sleep, this is an O-Happy-Day moment.
- Make the crib a familiar place from the moment you bring that precious baby home from the hospital. We have always done our naps and bedtime in cribs. No singing or rocking. Simply put them in the bed and they will automatically learn that it's sleep time. We never even put our kids to bed with a pacifier so that they would learn how to self soothe and sleep on their own. Now, there are some nights where they've had to cry themselves into a fit of exhaustion. On those occasions, we never took them out of the crib, but would go in every 15 minutes to let them know they're not alone and, in time, they would fall asleep. This breaks your heart, I know it, but it will be worth it in the end when you're little one is sleeping 12 hours a night on their own.
- By establishing a bedtime routine from infancy, it is natural for them to go to bed easily as toddlers and children. All three of our kiddos love their beds and never put up an argument at bedtime.
Create and maintain a schedule.
- Babies like to be on a schedule and it makes it easier for you as a parent when they are on one. Otherwise, you will never get time for yourself to refuel those ever draining batteries. Create boundaries around nap and bedtime. Keep the house quiet to promote sleep. Put your little one in his/her highchair at meal time and encourage healthy eating habits. With babies, schedules will change and adapt. Be flexible and meet your baby's needs without sacrificing the importance of keeping to some kind of schedule.
- Our little 6 month old Aidan eats a morning bottle around 7:00am, fruit for breakfast with a bottle at 10:00am, yogurt for lunch with a bottle by 1:00pm, vegetables for dinner with a bottle around 4:00pm and a bedtime bottle at 7:00pm. He typically takes a 1 hour morning nap and a 3 hour afternoon nap. He goes to bed at 7:30pm and we don't hear from him again until the next morning.
- Isabella (our almost 6 year old) and Abigail (our almost 4.5 year old) have their own schedules. We have breakfast, lunch and dinner with healthy snacks in between. They each get to choose 1 television show a day. While Aidan is napping, they need to do something educational such as; reading books or working in their workbooks, After dinner we spend time as a family, and they are in their beds by 7:30pm.
- By keeping a schedule our children know what to expect each day.
Be an authoritative parent.
- While we have to work hard at teaching our children to be kind and respectful; thanks to sin, you do not have to teach them how to throw a temper tantrum. Even at the infant stage this begins. You just fed your little one and they're happy as can be, until you put them down and walk out of the room to throw a load of dirty laundry in the washing machine. Then, it's as if the world has just ended and nothing is okay, until you pick them up and hold them tight. If I know for a fact that our babies do not need anything; that they're not hungry or sitting in a dirty diaper and are in a safe place, then I let the tantrum play out until they calm themselves down. By picking them up you're saying "this behavior is acceptable" and it will continue.
- You can be authoritative without yelling. I usually talk quiet and calm to my kids. That way, when I use a stern tone, I am able to quickly grab their attention. Dave calls it my "teacher" voice, and everyone knows to listen immediately when they hear it. Our kids have learned that when I say something, they need to listen or else there will be consequences.
Have expectations and consequences.
- I expect that my children will obey the 1st time they're asked to do something. I expect that they will pick up their own toys. I expect that they will treat each other kindly. I expect that they will be polite and remember their manners. I expect that they will eat their dinner. Why? Because there are consequences that follow when they do not.
* If they're asked to do something more than once, they lose television/kindle/computer privileges.
* When they don't pick up their toys, I donate them.
* If they're acting unkind, they sit in timeout until they're ready to apologize.
* When they're not polite and forget their manners, they do not get what they were wanting.
* When they refuse to eat their dinner, they do not get dessert or a bedtime snack.
- You get the point. Consequences are not a bad thing! You need them to help teach your children respect and responsibility.
Be Consistent.
- You can try your best to establish a bedtime routine, create and maintain a schedule, be authoritative, and have expectations and consequences...but, without consistency you will not be successful. If you say you're going to do something, then you better do it. Promises without actions are just empty words, and your children will not trust the things you say.
* If I tell my kiddos we will leave the zoo because they're not listening, then we leave the zoo.
* When they are good helpers in Wegmans, they will get a chocolate chip cookie.
Show them love.
- Your children will mimic you; the things you do, the words you say. Model the behaviors you want to instill into them. Laugh together. Create memories. Go and do fun actives. Tell the truth. Say "I'm sorry". Forgive each other. Give hugs and kisses. And say "I love you" several times each day.
There is no secret formula for parenting. What works for our family may not work for yours. We are all imperfect parents to imperfect children. When you get upset, like I do, or yell at your kiddos, like I do, know that you're not alone on this journey. When it's been a really bad day, know that I probably just had one too. Don't be discouraged or give up, parenting is messy but extremely rewarding! You're doing a great job!!
"...but the greatest of these is love."
1 Corinthians 13:13b
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