Perseverance is the Evidence of Love

I had the honor of being asked by Becky Bennett, creator of To Choose Joy, to share about our family's journey through cancer and foster care in her Perseverance is the Evidence of Love podcast during the 5 Day Joy Challenged back in December.

You can listen to the full interview here or read below for a summary.

Thank you, to the many listeners and readers, who have been a huge support and encouragement to our family.  And thank you, Becky, for the incredible opportunity to share our story with so many people.  

Tell me a little about your life right now. What’s your story? 

I’ve been married to Dave, my high school sweetheart, for 11 years.  We have two beautiful daughters.  Isabella is 6 and Abigail is 4.  We are foster parents in hopes of adopting our 11 month old foster son, Aidan, who came to us as a newborn.  I love being a wife and enjoy every aspect of the stay-at-home mom life!

     

Tell me about your husband’s diagnosis with cancer.

1.            When it happened.

      December 16^th, 2011 Dave noticed an abnormality.  On December 22^nd it was confirmed testicular cancer.  

2.           What stage of life you were in.

      Bella was 2 years old and Abbi was 9 months old.  We were enjoying life as a young family and looking forward to the excitement of Christmas with our girls.

3.           How it affected you.

      The day Dave was given the cancer diagnosis, I was home with the girls.  I got a phone call from his doctor’s office suggesting I come pick my husband up.  It was as though the world was suddenly moving in slow motion.  I remember calling my parents and telling them that they had to come get our children, no questions asked.  News like this leaves you speechless!  Dave was struggling to keep his emotions under control, and we needed to find a way to compose ourselves.  So, that afternoon, we went to the movie theater and watched Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol.  It was a mindless activity that allowed us to prepare for the difficult conversations we needed to have with our families and friends.  The reality took a while to set in.  It was like watching someone else’s life playing out before my eyes.    

4.           Tell me about the emotions you felt during that time.

      I was shocked and terrified.  When we first found out, there were so many unknowns.  How far had the cancer progressed?  We knew that surgery was necessary, but would surgery be enough?  What would radiation or chemo treatments look like?  As we started to get answers and find out new information, I began to feel a sense of peace.  The cancer had progressed further than we had hoped, and radiation was necessary, but the type of cancer he had was less aggressive than other types and the oncologists were hopeful. 

5.           How it affected him.

      Dave has always been driven and determined.  When the diagnosis was given, he physically worked hard to do everything necessary to regain his health.  Mentally, he threw himself into his job.  He functions best when his mind is kept busy, this helps him maintain a sense of “normalcy” in his routine and life.  I’m really proud of the way he handled himself.  He was scared and, at times, extremely sad, but he never acted angry. 

6.           How it affected your marriage and your family.

      Our girls were so young and don’t remember much of that time, but our marriage grew in significant ways!  When someone you love, when the person you’ve chosen to share your life with, is suddenly suffering from a terrible illness, your perspective on things changes.  The thought of raising two young daughters on my own, trying to provide for their needs… it made me appreciate my husband, and everything he does for our family, in a new way.  I learned how to love more selflessly and how to better serve my family.  I began to realize just how precious life is, that it’s a gift, and that time with the ones we love should not be taken for granted. 

What did it look like to trust God during that time?

This is a really hard question to answer.  I accepted the truth about Jesus when I was a young child, and have been a textbook Christian my entire life.  I thought I had complete trust in God, but discovered just how untrue that was… I never wanted to be that person who questioned God, but I still found myself, in those deep dark corners of my heart, asking WHY?  Why was this happening to my husband, to my family?  Why would a loving God, a God who performs miracles, not take this burden away from us? 

But, as the Christmas season was playing out all around me, I was reminded that God understands suffering more deeply than I will ever will.  He created this beautiful earth only to have it destroyed by sin.  He created us, only to be separated from us by sin.  He sent his Son, only to have him brutally beaten and shamefully put to death on a cross because of sin.  Was I suffering?  Yes, but God has suffered more!

I was learning that God gives us grace for the moment.  I didn’t have to know what the future held a few hours, days or weeks in advance.  I just needed to get through each moment and know that I was not alone.

There were Bible verses and songs that I would cling to during those difficult days.   Verses like 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 which says ““My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”  That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."   Then, Psalm 61:1-2 which states “Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer.  From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I.”

And, each time I heard the song In Christ Alone, it was as if Jesus was audibly speaking directly to me!  “I find my strength, I find my hope, I find my help in Christ alone.  When fear assails, when darkness falls, I find my peace in Christ alone…”

There is freedom in God’s truths, and even in those times when I felt helpless, I was never hopeless. 

What did your journey through cancer look like? What does it still require of you?

The journey for anyone facing serious illness is long and exhausting, but we can see how God carried our family through the most difficult time we’ve ever experienced.  We received meals, words of encouragement and prayer support.  Even now, with each lab test, scan and doctor’s appointment, there is a feeling of anxiousness, but we know God has a plan, and that His plan is far better than anything we can do for ourselves.  We are still years away from a “cancer free” proclamation, but we can excitedly say that Dave is in remission!

Tell me about being a foster mom.

1.            When and why you decided to do it.

      When Dave was first diagnosed with testicular cancer, we were faced with the reality that having more biological children may not be part of our future.  We made a decision, before he had surgery to remove the tumor, that if the time ever came to grow our family, then we would pursue adoption. After researching several adoption processes we both agreed on using the foster care system.  We began taking our first steps towards certification in the fall 2013 and were official foster parents by fall 2014. 

2.           How Aidan came into your life.

      When we began our adoption journey, it was with the desire of adding a baby boy to our family.  We got a phone call from the foster care system on January 23, 2015.  There was a 10 day old who needed a home.  Dave and I were actually heading out of town to meet with family for my grandfather’s funeral when the call came in.  We knew it wasn’t coincidence, this sweet boy, who was born the same day my grandfather died, is God’s perfect design of our family. 

3.           What the journey through foster care has been like (ups and downs, unpredictability, emotions, frustrations, etc.)

      It’s a broken system trying to help broken families.  We love what foster care stands for.  We are blessed to play a part in helping children who would otherwise be homeless.  We are thankful for the relationships we’ve made with other foster care parents and workers within the system, but it comes with plenty of frustrations.  You never know how long a child will be in your home.  It can be days, months or even years and then you may be forced to say a heart wrenching “goodbye”.  As foster parents, we are at the mercy of the family court, which usually supports and looks for reunification with the biological family.  It is inconvenient to work around the schedules of case worker visitations, trainings, meetings, medical motor transportation, visitations with biological family members, and pediatrician appointments which can only be done at the office funded by the foster system.  It’s irritating that we can’t leave Monroe County without first informing the caseworker.  BUT, it’s wonderful to see my baby boy thrive in our home.  To watch him play with his sisters, and giggle with delight when daddy tickles him.  To know he is loved, he is safe, and he is happy… is a gift!   While we hope Aidan can stay with us forever, there are no guarantees, and we need to simply enjoy each day as it comes. 

4.           What does it look like to trust God in this place?

      We are determined to have a spirit of thanksgiving no matter what happens.  If Aidan gets to stay with us, and we can officially adopt him, then we give God the glory.  If we have to say “goodbye” and allow him to return to his biological family, then we will still give God the glory.  Aidan is not ours, Abigail is not ours, and Isabella is not ours… they were created by and belong to God.  We just get to keep them for a little while, to instill into them the truths of Jesus.  Whether Aidan is with us for 1 year or for his entire life, we will spend the time we have loving him and teaching Jesus.

5.           What does it require of you?

      Patience, which is something I’ve never been good at.  We don’t know what the future holds.  It can be difficult to not know what our family will look like a few years from now, but I’m working on enjoying the present instead of worrying about the future or being angry at the past. 

Can you see ways that walking through a past trial made you stronger? How are you stronger now? Do you do anything differently now because of that season?

Going through these trials has helped me become; a Christ follower willing to offer grace instead of judgment, a wife focused more on acting generously instead of selfishly, and a mother with a desire to be compassionate instead of treating my children unsympathetically. 

How does your walk with God look different as a result of trials or challenges in your life?

You hear the saying ‘you’re never guaranteed tomorrow”, and I now understand the truth of that in a new way.  Since Dave’s diagnosis with cancer, since Aidan joining our family – I have a desire for God to use me in significant ways, even though I feel unqualified and insignificant.

I want others to know that there can be joy in suffering and hope in Jesus.  That, even in my imperfection, His perfection shines brightly.  That In our brokenness and ugliness, God can still restore and renew! 

I have a thirst to know more about Him, to have a real relationship with Him and allow Him to mold me into something beautiful. 

Here are the Scripture passages we’ll be talking about.  What are your thoughts on them?

1.            James 1:2 - Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,^[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds.

      I really like what The Word In Life Study Bible commentary says…“Consider this: God has a three stage “human resource development” program for believers.  Stage one involves trials – as many as we need, as hard as they need to be.  That leads to stage two, patience – waiting for God with trust and perseverance.  The final result is stage three, wisdom, which is God’s goal of growth for the personnel in His kingdom.”  I want to develop as a Christ follower, and if facing trials is part of the maturity process, then I will face them with a determined spirit of thankfulness. 

2.            1 Peter 1:3-9 - ³ Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, ⁴ and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, ⁵ who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. ⁶ In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. ⁷ These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. ⁸ Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, ⁹ for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

      The letter of 1 Peter was written to Christian’s who were going through trials.  In this passage, Peter is offering hope to those experiencing difficult things, a hope that’s rooted in the power of Jesus overcoming death.  Peter reminds us that we are NOT alone when we’re disappointed, in pain or encountering challenging circumstances.  Jesus suffered the same kind of trials and he stands with us through our trials.  In the end, we will have the blessing of spending eternity in the presence of God.  I may have experienced, and will likely experience again, difficult trials, but the joy at the end of this journey will far outweigh the pain of walking through the fire. 

3.            2 Corinthians 4:8-10 - ⁸ We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; ⁹ persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.¹⁰ We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.

      The apostles and believers of the early church were forsaken by friends and persecuted by enemies.  But God never left them.  They felt fears, they experienced fights, but it did not destroy them.  The same is true today.  God uses difficult circumstances to show His power to the people around us.  Others see Jesus when we stand strong in our beliefs and allow our lives to be an example of faith. 

4.            James 1:12 - Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.

      God wants us to have virtues such as peace, truth, and strong character.  He desires for us to discern between good and bad choices.  He longs for us to make wise decisions.  He values us for who we are and who we are becoming.  Trials and temptations are teaching moments and will grow our faith if we allow them to.